Leven, Fife

I have been thinking a lot about why people struggle with getting what they want. What makes us fail interviews, signing contracts or getting a date with that person who we admire so much. Some of the most common things I noticed in my practice are the fear of failure, the impostor syndrome and the way we communicate what we want.

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One book that inspired me to get so interested in the philosophy of failing, or rather not failing in getting what we want is The Magician’s Way by William Whitecloud.

Without going too deep today, I will share some ways of being more convincing in the way we communicate. Use these tips and you will be perceived as more confident, in control and more trustworthy .

Being a life coach and a nurse, I know that building a rapport with my clients is crucial. If they don’t trust me from the first seconds, there will be no relationship so I’ll get ZERO chances to get to know them and their problems.

I really want you to use these techniques just for creating an honest bond, based on true values. A dishonest use of these tips will lead to a breach in the relationship and this may end before even starting.

Let me start with some facts about communication

What people say is not always what they mean. The non-verbal and para verbal language.

93% percent of our communication is non verbal and only 7% are words. Body talks more than words do.

Is he asking her to marry him? 🤔

Each of us make use of words as best as we can, we can have a vast vocabulary or not. We can talk about our problems with no bother or we need some encouragement to talk about things we may believe as being embarrassing.

When you totally believe in what you say, your words will be in congruence with your body. Your voice, your posture and your body language will confirm you’re true in what you’re saying.
If you want to create a strong rapport with someone , first impression matters.

Let’s see how to get that.

Be present.
By presence I mean you’ll have to put all the distractions such as mobile phones away. This tells to the other person ‘I’m here for you/ I’m all yours/ you’ve got all my attention. We all like to be heard. Just think for a second. How do you feel when someone is interested in your concerns and they are curious to find out more?
Here’s some tips of how to look interested in the subject. Remember that you have to be genuine as everyone can tell if you’re not.
Smile. That says to the other person you are not a threat. And you may get a smile back.
Keep a safe space. For the same reason we smile, if we get too close to the other person, we may be perceived as a threat. And you don’t know if they’ve been a victim of an
Assault or an abuse. Just think about yourself. Do you like people that come too close when they talk to you?
Lean forward. That means you want to hear every single word that person says.
Open yourself. Don’t cross your arms or legs. That says you’re open for a conversation and you accept the other person to be a conversational partner.

Listen. Active listening is one of the best tools for creating a connection. That doesn’t mean you’ll have to put a poker face on. You simply encourage the conversation by nodding your head. Eye contact is important as well. Don’t stare if you want not to perceived as a psycho but don’t avoid it either as it may be seen as disinterest or dishonesty.

Listen to understand and not to reply.

The best part in listening is that you not only allow that person to get comfortable with you, but helps you to grow as well. And who likes someone who always interrupts the conversation having an answer for everything anyway?

Be silent. Listen to understand and not to reply. Most of us feel the urge to help others, to come up with a solution for them. And this is disempowering. I had to practice listening when I was training for being a life coach, back in 2018. I thought I was a good listener by I was far away from the truth. Even if silence can be awkward, the person in front of you will come up with a solution if you’re quiet and hold the space. When they start recalling events, the process of thinking will lead them to their own answers and this is a very rewarding feeling. If you listen to reply or to give an advice, you take this chance from them. How does it feel when you come up with your own solutions to your problems? Try next time when you’re talking to someone close to you just to listen. And let me know how that felt.

Be respectful. Whether you’re talking to a president or a janitor, the way you treat others says a lot about yourself and not about the other person. If you tend to belittle people that says you have a huge need of approval for the things you know or achieved. Each person has a story and you may be surprised of some people’s stories. When I was working in television, back in 2004, I was interviewing people on streets about different topics. I came across this homeless looking woman and she shared her story of how she’s been a teacher and how her life changed after retirement. How they say…never judge a book by its covers.

Be yourself. Most people change their behaviour depending on the other person. When we do so, we ‘re not only transmit that we’re not genuine, but we may be seen as being unreliable, having hidden intentions and ultimately being a threat. You don’t and you cannot please everyone. Doesn’t matter if your interlocutor is a manager, a client or a friend, be yourself. People love true stories.

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