Leven, Fife

I want to make from today’s post a start of a series about confidence in love, whether if it’s about relationships or self-love.

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I’ve seen a lot of couples struggling in their relationships, divorcing after many years of suffering or… staying in unhealthy and unhappy relationships. I’ve been myself there and I do feel you.
If you feel you’re struggling in your relationship, feeling unworthy or unappreciated, not recognizing yourself anymore, I want to share with you five reasons for a relationship to fail and how to regain your confidence and to boost your self-esteem regardless in what stage of your relationship you find yourself. If you haven’t found your better half yet, you’re lucky in this case. You may want know what to do before being too late. P.S. you’re already complete, ‘the better half’ is only to get your attention. 😉

If I was to be asked for my opinion, love can be classed as a mental health issue. When you’re in love you’re flooded with oxytocin, phenethylamine, dopamine.

You’re in the ninth cloud and you’re not judging clearly. So, if you like being high when falling in love, don’t judge drug addicts for their addiction. Amphetamines do pretty much the same to your brain.
Imagine the next scenario
You finally found someone who seems to get you, you’re thrilled when you get a message or when you go on a date. That feeling of appreciation, reciprocity and knowing that could lead to something more gives you wings. Suddenly you become Hercules or Rapunzel, everything seems to be getting better in your life. You get so addicted to these feelings that you want them to last forever.
After a while, when honey moon phase fades away, you start seeing the other person as they are. Things that before would pass you by, now are unacceptable. Why are they not answering your calls, why it takes them so long to reply to your messages? Why do they buy you sausages rolls when you don’t like sausages?
Let’s dive deeper into your why’s.

1.Expectations. We all have expectations from our partners. These only become a problem when we don’t share them. Afraid of losing love, we accept things that later can be unbearable. If you feel that’s your case, if you feel you can’t accept anymore all these mistakes, are you willing to accept that you share a part of blame? If so, turn your attention to yourself and see what you can do from there. People think they are doing amazing if they see you smiling and looking happy. How would they know you’re not? Open conversations can solve a lot of problems. Before turning all into an argument, before putting the blame on others, work on your part of blame and don’t turn into a perpetrator. In most of the cases is worse in your mind than it is in the real world.

2.Co-dependency– that’s another relationship killer. That happens when we rely too much on our partner for supporting our needs. Some help can turn into leaving the other to feel powerless in the long run. If you’re the one that feels worthless start doing things for yourself. Step out of your routine. Your self-confidence will start building up shortly. If you’re the one that feels burdened with carrying too many duties, you may want to look back to the beginning of your relationship and to see how ‘I’ll help with that’ turned into ‘God help me.’ it’s not too late to make a change. You can simply ask for support, but start with no expectations. Maybe they are wondering as well why you are not satisfied anymore and they may be tired as well trying to meet your needs. Allow your partner to surprise you. What if he or she actually gets your point and want to work on that issue?

3.Self-care. So, if you want this guy or woman for the long run, you may want to preserve your energy. Giving too much for too long will give you a burnout. It’s not only that you won’t have time for personal hygiene aka hairy legs, but this can disable you to do even the smallest things. If you’re already there, exhausted and despaired, you may feel that taking some time for yourself would be of great benefit. You don’t have to do great things, you can start with small things, shave those legs, read a book, phone that friend. If you’re brave enough, going on a retreat may help.

4.Jokes turning into a roar. I’ve seen this in many couples after they moved together or got married. Again, blame those bloody hormones that make farts smelling like roses, get yourself and your boundaries known. If someone likes you at your worst, they’ll love you to bits when you’re on your highs. Sweet little lies turn into roars when you feel restrained, seeing no way of getting out of a situation. Say the things as they are, be who you are not who you think your partner want you to be. You may lose the guy or girl, but you won’t lose true love. True love accepts your imperfections and loves your qualities. Do you want to be accepted for some one that isn’t you, or do you want to be loved for who you are? In a perfect world, knowing yourself before wanting someone else to understand you, would be a great advantage. But what can we do, when our head is up in the clouds?

5.Self-love. That’s a long story of how to get to the point where you can accept and love yourself unconditionally. Let’s start with understanding that no one is perfect. Not even the models on magazine’s cover. You probably have by now an idea of who you would like to be, inspired from all what you’ve seen, heard or read about. You can’t be any better if you’re not loving yourself as you are. If it doesn’t make any sense for you, how can you be better if you feel you’re not worthy to be better? Self-acceptance frees you from feeling unworthy and allows you to dare for more. Let’s dive deeper into self-love in my next post.

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