Leven, Fife

Few days ago I’ve seen a video of Marisa Peer where she shares some thoughts about relationships.
This inspired me to share this post with you.

Click HERE to see the video format for this post. This link will take you to my YouTube channel.

I’m at the age when I’m too old to fall in love but too young to settle for less than I know I deserve.

People tend to fall in love for different reasons.

Falling in love is easy. Choosing to love… that’s a different story.

There are so many stories that we tell ourselves about why we don’t need love. And then, we make from being single a safety space, a refuge.

You can’t be hurt if you don’t have anyone around to hurt you, right?

Love is one of humans’ primordial needs. Love expands our creativity, makes us feel alive.

But when we have unmet needs, we tend to spoil love with unhealthy and unrealistic expectations.
And I’m not talking about boundaries, those are necessary. I’m talking about trying to change what we love to suit our needs.

We fall in love when we’re young and our hormones are all over the place.
That first love when we’re exploring our bodies, our limits, ourselves through the eyes of another. That love that seem to be the happy end story.

But we’re not fully matured and we have no clue about who we are. At east I haven’t when I was 16.
When one of the lovers have a glimpse of how their life should look like…guess what happens next.

Or, maybe you’re familiar with that ‘incestuous relationships’ where one of the partners looks for a mummy or daddy replacement. Looks for feeling safe in someone else’s arms, before trying to create a safe space themselves.

Well…my point is…that love is beautiful. You don’t know when or where it comes from.

Choosing to love is empowering. Falling in love gives you no opportunity of choice. Are you the creator of your life or a victim of circumstances?

But looking for somebody before knowing who you are and what you desire to build next to someone, will give you the most heart-breaking experience.

If you can relate, please let me know in the comments.

So, my suggestion is to find who you are. What you love doing. Develop healthy habits . Find a hobby or two. Read. Explore yourself. From that place you’ll know what your boundaries are. You’ll know what to look for in your partner. You’ll save yourself time and energy.

Looking for someone just because you’re bored or not having something else better to do is sooo unattractive.
Looking for someone to replace your parents is so limiting.
Limiting for yourself.

You see, the easiest way is always the safest way of setting yourself up to fail.

It will come a moment in your life, when, whether you’re a woman or a man, you’ll start questioning why you made those decisions. Why you put so much time and energy in a relationship just to end up feeling empty and unfulfilled.

You see…there are no shortcuts through life.

Sooner or later you’ll face some questions that will bring out a lot of pain. And if it’s painful, it’s for your own good. When something is not right with your body, pain let’s you know you need to see a doctor. So it happens when your heart ‘hurts’.

If you’re in that moment right now. If you feel you’ve lived your life only to be there for others. If you’re questioning if that was a good thing to do… If you experience emotional pain…that’s a major sign that you have to do some self work. More you delay it, harder to bear it gets. There is no escape from this.

All you need to do is to accept that the decisions you’ve made were the best at that time. You’ve done the best you could with the resources you had. We all do our best. Always.

But meanwhile you changed, you became someone else. You know yourself better. You have a better knowledge of what you like and what you don’t like. And you had to make few mistakes to learn all this.

Look at the trees. They grow over time. The roots are unseen, but keeps them grunded. Same as you. You wouldn’t be who you are today without all you’ve been though. Don’t let your mistakes define you, but rather make you wiser. You’re not your mistakes. You’re much more than this.

The most important question to ask is…

What can I do in this moment?

If you feel that all you can do is to run away, that’s a safety mechanism we all have built in and it is a NORMAL human reaction. Some will fly or fight, some of us will just freeze. But… Can running away sort out the problem? Painkillers treat the pain but they don’t treat what causes the pain.

The best service you can do to yourself or to others is to find out who you are. No matter of age or gender. It’s never too late.
But it’s always too soon to jump in a new relationship with no idea of what you want. Or, to stay single forever because that feels safe.